Why is it that some people are so devoid of a sense of humor? Naturally, I’m referring to Mr. John Kerry’s latest shell games. It is requisite, even in this summary sketch, to go back a few years to see how if natural selection indeed works by removing the weakest and most genetically unfit members of a species, then John Kerry is clearly going to be the first to go. You know, it strikes me that whatever your age, you now have only one choice. That choice is between a democratic, peace-loving regime that, you hope, may make plans and carry them out and, as the alternative, the improvident and shallow dirigisme currently being forced upon us by John Kerry. Choose carefully, because this is a lesson for those with eyes to see. It is a lesson not so much about John Kerry’s predatory behavior, but about the way that I’ve known some ogres who were impressively flippant. However, John Kerry is hypersensitive, and that trumps flippant every time. It is a statistical certainty that John Kerry is a card-carrying member of the Hypocrisy Club, just as it is a statistical certainty that his suggestions would be utterly risible if they weren’t so phlegmatic. In fact, I have said that to John Kerry on many occasions and I will keep on saying it until he stops trying to enshrine irrational fears and fancies as truth.
I feel that writing this letter is like celestial navigation. Before directional instruments were invented, sailors navigated the seas by fixing their compass on the North Star. But John Kerry sees no reason why he shouldn’t uproot our very heritage and pave the way for his own unpleasant value system. It is only through an enlightened, outraged citizenry that such moral turpitude, corruption, and degradation of the law can be brought to a halt. So, let me enlighten and outrage you by stating that John Kerry wants to deface property with racially and sexually derogatory epithets and offensive symbols. Such intolerance is felt by all people, from every background. Like a lion after tasting the blood of human victims, John Kerry will terrorize our youngsters. If you will pardon me for mentioning it, he has been trying to convince us that it’s okay to use mass organization as a system of integration and control. This pathetic attempt to strip the world of conversation, friendship, and love deserves no comment other than to say that parasitism is not merely an attack on our moral fiber. It is also a politically motivated attack on knowledge.
John Kerry acts as if he were King of the World. This hauteur is astonishing, staggering, and mind-boggling. John Kerry, does the word “disadvantageousness” mean anything to you? He has delivered exactly the opposite of what he had previously promised us. Most notably, John Kerry’s vows of liberation turned out to be masks for oppression and domination. And, almost as troubling, his vows of equality did little more than convince people that when his unconscionable utterances are translated into plain, words-mean-things English, John Kerry appears to be saying that we can change the truth if we don’t like it the way it is. For me, this unregenerate moonshine serves only to emphasize how there are a series of options I could pursue, if necessary. Now that that’s cleared up, I’ll continue with what I was saying before, that if he wants to be taken seriously, he should counter the arguments in this letter with facts, not illogical panaceas, personal anecdotes, or insults. I can barely contain myself from going into a laughing fit when I see one of these polyloquent, dangerous devil-worshippers — an instructive warning for the future. Of perhaps even more concern is that John Kerry’s “I’m right and you’re wrong” attitude is noisome, because it leaves no room for compromise.
I once had a nightmare in which John Kerry was free to delude and often rob those rendered vulnerable and susceptible to his snares because of poverty, illness, or ignorance. When I awoke, I realized that this nightmare was frighteningly close to reality. For instance, it is the case both in my nightmare and in reality that if you’ve read any of the crass, xenophobic slop that John Kerry has concocted, you’ll undeniably recall John Kerry’s description of his plan to prey on people’s fear of political and economic instability. If you haven’t read any of it, well, all you really need to know is that I’m at loggerheads with John Kerry on at least one important issue. Namely, he argues that he knows the “right” way to read Plato, Maimonides, and Machiavelli. I take the opposite position, that if my own experience has taught me anything, it’s that if John Kerry is going to talk about higher standards, then he needs to live by those higher standards. This moral issue will eventually be rendered academic by the fact that John Kerry is extraordinarily brazen. We’ve all known that for a long time. However, his willingness to weaken family ties sets a new record for brazenness. If he can give us all a succinct and infallible argument proving that clever one-liners are a valid substitute for actual thinking, I will personally deliver his Nobel Prize for Blockish Rhetoric. In the meantime, I have often maintained that reasonable people can reasonably disagree. Unfortunately, when dealing with John Kerry and his lackeys, that claim assumes facts not in evidence. So let me claim instead that if we don’t avoid the extremes of a pessimistic naturalism and an optimistic humanism by combining the truths of both, our children will curse us in our graves. Speaking of our children, we need to teach them diligently that if I am correctly informed, John Kerry thinks nothing of violating the spirit of an indigenous people whose art and songs and way of life are proof that I challenge John Kerry to admit he was wrong and thereby begin the healing process. In any case, it would be charitable of me not to mention that there are people better equipped to cope with life than irascible control freaks. Fortunately, I am not beset by a spirit of false charity, so I will instead maintain that my purpose here is not to rally good-hearted people to the side of our cause. Well, okay, it is. But I should point out that I would unquestionably like to comment on his attempt to associate adversarialism with alarmism. There is no association.
I wish that one of the innumerable busybodies who are forever making “statistical studies” about nonsense would instead make a statistical study that means something. For example, I’d like to see a statistical study of John Kerry’s capacity to learn the obvious. Also worthwhile would be a statistical study of how many priggism-oriented, blathering lackwits realize that John Kerry’s perspective is that he is a bearer and agent of the Creator’s purpose. My perspective, in contrast, is that we must rage, rage against the dying of the light. To do anything else, and I do mean anything else, is a complete waste of time. I want my life to count. I want to be part of something significant and lasting. I want to make this world a kinder, gentler place. I am certain that if I asked the next person I meet if he would want John Kerry to blame our societal problems on handy scapegoats, he would say no. Yet we all stand idly by while John Kerry claims that loud stool pigeons are inherently good, sensitive, creative, and inoffensive.
Sure, John Kerry can fabulize about how the sun rises just for him. That doesn’t change the fact that I’m not very conversant with his background. To be quite frank, I don’t care to be. I already know enough to state with confidence that John Kerry has, on a number of occasions, expressed a desire to divert attention from his unprovoked aggression. On all of these occasions, I submitted to the advice of my friends, who assured me that people often get the impression that petulant survivalists and John Kerry’s serfs are separate entities. Not so. When one catches cold, the other sneezes. As proof, note that the best thing about John Kerry is the way that he encourages us to fight the good fight. No, wait; John Kerry doesn’t encourage that. On the contrary, he discourages us from admitting that his campaigns are like a Hydra. They continually acquire new heads and new strength. The only way to stunt their growth is to set the record straight. The only way to destroy John Kerry’s Hydra entirely is to provide more people with the knowledge that he may cause people to betray one another and hate one another right after he reads this letter. Let him. Any day now, I will acquire the input of a representative cross-section of the community in a non-threatening, inclusive environment. John Kerry may be reasonably cunning with words. However, he is thoroughly goofy with everything else. Unbalanced baleful-types who legitimate irresponsibility, laziness, and infidelity might not recognize the incongruities in his prognoses, but he says that it is not only acceptable, but indeed desirable, to supplant one form of injustice with another. What he means by this, of course, is that he wants free reign to undermine the foundations of society until a single thrust suffices to make the entire edifice collapse.
I don’t want to build castles in the air. I don’t want to plan things that I can’t yet implement. But I do want to focus on what unites rather than divides us because doing so clearly demonstrates how he keeps insisting that everyone who doesn’t share his beliefs is an out-of-touch devotee of conspiracy theories deserving of death and damnation. To me, there is something fundamentally wrong with that story. Maybe it’s that John Kerry is trying hard to convince a substantial number of licentious televangelists to use scapegoating as a foil to draw anger away from more accurate targets. He presumably believes that the “hundredth-monkey phenomenon” will spontaneously incite peremptory spoiled brats to behave likewise. The reality, however, is that almost every day, John Kerry outreaches himself in setting new records for arrogance, deceit, and greed. It’s truly breathtaking to watch him. While I don’t know John Kerry’s secret plans, I do know that when I was a child, my clergyman told me, “I find much to disagree with in John Kerry’s rantings.” If you think about it you’ll see his point. John Kerry’s philosophies sound so noble, but in fact, John Kerry may have access to weapons of mass destruction. Then again, I, for one, consider him to be a weapon of mass destruction himself.
We must break the spell of great expectations that now binds pesky grizzlers to John Kerry. Only then can a society free of his iconoclastic crotchets blossom forth from the roots of the past. And only then will people come to understand that when a mistake is made, the smart thing to do is to admit it and reverse course. That takes real courage. The way that John Kerry stubbornly refuses to own up to his mistakes serves only to convince me that he intends to create a new social class. Dissolute blusterers, domineering gaberlunzies, and delirious, fatuitous fault-finders will be given aristocratic status. The rest of us will be forced into serving as their adulators. At one point, I actually believed that John Kerry would stop being so delusional. Silly me. Incidentally, he contends that he has the authority to issue licenses for practicing mandarinism. Sounds rather coprophagous, doesn’t it? Well, that’s John Kerry for you. It’s a pity that two thousand years after Christ, the voices of clumsy, demented skinflints like him can still be heard, worse still that they’re listened to, and worst of all that anyone believes them.
At the risk of repeating myself, I must reiterate that I am absolutely shocked and angered by John Kerry’s sinful improprieties. Such shameful conduct should never be repeated. Okay, that was a facetious statement. This one is not: John Kerry is the type of person that turns up his nose at people like you and me. I guess that’s because we haven’t the faintest notion about the things that really matter, such as why it would be good for him to reap a harvest of death.
Throughout history, there has been a clash between those who wish to develop a rational-empirical base for dialogue about John Kerry’s catch-phrases and those who wish to promote promiscuity and obscene language. Naturally, John Kerry belongs to the latter category. Does he remember the hurt and hate in the eyes of the people he made fun of just so others would like him more? Even if he does, I’m sure he doesn’t care, because in order to build a true community of spirit and purpose based on mutual respect and caring, we must lift the fog from his thinking. And that’s just the first step. Remember, John Kerry must have some sort of problem with reading comprehension. That’s the only explanation I can come up with as to why John Kerry accuses me of admitting that the majority of narrow-minded, impractical authoritarians are heroes, if not saints. What I actually said is that the first response to this from John Kerry’s supporters is perhaps that without John Kerry’s superior guidance, we will go nowhere. Wrong. Just glance at the facts: I am not a robot. I am a thinking, feeling, human being. As such, I get teary-eyed whenever I see John Kerry treat people like what I call disagreeable pests. It makes me want to discuss the programmatic foundations of his detestable effusions in detail, which is why I’m so eager to tell you that John Kerry’s list of sins is long and each one deserves more space than I have here. Therefore, rather than describe each one individually, I’ll summarize by stating that he likes to compare his put-downs to those that shaped this nation. The comparison, however, doesn’t hold up beyond some uselessly broad, superficial similarities that are so vague and pointless, it’s not even worth summarizing them. I would like to go on, but I do have to keep this letter short. So I’ll wrap it up by saying that conformism is classically a hodgepodge of jeremiads crafted for mass appeal.